The real work begins

To talk about divorce abstractly, hypothetically, does not even begin to approach the way it has wormed its way into every pore within me. The finality made itself known to me when I checked the little box that said "Dissolution of Marriage," three words the state of California utilizes to wipe out nearly 18 years of my life. Eighteen years of inside jokes, strong hugs of love & support, hot monkey sex, the birth and raising of our daughter, expressions of pride around one another's accomplishments, petty spats, bad kitchen experiments, trips to San Francisco, cold feet & butts upon getting under the covers, and so many of the quotidian things which make up a marriage--all left behind in the black and white of state paperwork. The sympathetic women behind the counter at the courthouse cannot know how much of my life feels like it is dissolving.

Those of you who know me well understand I am an innately social person. Despite episodically staying in my cave, I thrive when I interact with others. Being alone, in a very concrete way, is truly a new, miserable experience (hope you got the Gin Blossoms reference). I miss snuggling & kissing most of all, but I also miss that day-to-day silliness one only finds in a long-term relationship, where the quirks & idiosyncrasies fly their flags unabated.

There is a saying in Spanish: "Mejor sola que mal acompañada." In English, this means; "It's better to be alone than in the wrong company." I have parroted this to friends who I thought needed to hear it, and now I have to heed my own words. Being alone is terrifying to me, and I have to learn to work through this, to be able to rely upon myself and trust who I am. Thus the title of this post.

If you are reading this, it's because I trust that as my friend you will give me the support, friendship, and love which I so need right now. Please pardon me for not being my usual self while I am under construction.

Take two...

When last I tried to post, I had composed my thoughts around my impending divorce. I had said a lot of great things which elude me now, but here goes take two...

I finally told my daughter the marriage is over; her reaction was predictable. She cried, and I felt like the world's worst parent. In the end she would be more harmed by unhappy parents staying together for her benefit, but this fact is not overshadowed by the loss of her ideas of family.

I am forever grateful for the fact that she and I have always been close, and that she has a tremendous fortitude not easily visible to those who do not know her well. My most closely-held wish is that she learn to hold her own and not feel intimidated by the opinions of others. I want her to not settle for something or someone just because she does not want to disappoint nor because she thinks it's what others want.

If someone had guided me in this manner, in a real way, I do not think I would be where I am now. I would have left when I heard my inner voice telling me this would not work, I would have been brave and forge my path with a different man. What-ifs and should-haves are of no benefit to me now, but I am following my heart and where the universe is taking me. I am more pit-of-my-stomach terrified than ever in my life, but for once I will do what I feel in a big way.

ARGH!!!

Had a great post going which I accidentally erased!!! The muse has exited. Will try again another time. Dammit!