Anger, love, and fear

I am a reasonably calm person most of the time, road rage being the regular exception. Because I am a better driver than everyone else, naturally. But really, I am calmer than I was thirty years ago. I am slow to anger when I know it will matter next week, next month, next year; I do not want to regret what may come out of impulsively and unthinkingly. But sometimes another part of me wins, particularly when I feel put aside. I try to be the best partner to my boyfriend. I give hugs and kisses, try to be considerate, try to listen, and try to know what he may need from me. He does his best to show me love the way he knows how, but I sometimes do not see that, and instead want him to show me love the way that I do it. While I have worked hard to know I am lovable, the little voice in my head sometimes gets the best of me. She tells me that no matter what I do for others, no matter how much I try to please, I will not be worthy nor worth much. When she is winning, I become selfish, petty and mean. That's easier than to look at myself and accept his love, knowing I am worthy and that he loves me, no matter what. Just because he is not paying 100% attention to me 100% of the time he is with me does not mean I am not worthy of his love. The voice tells terribly insecure me the world should revolve around me because that's proof of love. Only someone nuts believes that, but sometimes that part of me wins, and I become a yelling, whiny, egocentric brat who too late realizes the stupidity of the outburst. Then I am wondering about the damage I have done, and despite accepted apologies, I fear that I have trodden upon my young man's emotional generosity one time too many and the next argument may be the last one. I know that when I am putting forth the message that what I am receiving is not good enough, it's really only that I don't feel worthy to receive it. My mother used to have one of those plaques from the 70s in her bedroom that said "Happiness is being content with what you have." What I have with my boyfriend is sweet, funny, stimulating, tender, and full of love. I am happy with him, and I need to remember that I am deserving of that happiness.