To talk about divorce abstractly, hypothetically, does not even begin to approach the way it has wormed its way into every pore within me. The finality made itself known to me when I checked the little box that said "Dissolution of Marriage," three words the state of California utilizes to wipe out nearly 18 years of my life. Eighteen years of inside jokes, strong hugs of love & support, hot monkey sex, the birth and raising of our daughter, expressions of pride around one another's accomplishments, petty spats, bad kitchen experiments, trips to San Francisco, cold feet & butts upon getting under the covers, and so many of the quotidian things which make up a marriage--all left behind in the black and white of state paperwork. The sympathetic women behind the counter at the courthouse cannot know how much of my life feels like it is dissolving.
Those of you who know me well understand I am an innately social person. Despite episodically staying in my cave, I thrive when I interact with others. Being alone, in a very concrete way, is truly a new, miserable experience (hope you got the Gin Blossoms reference). I miss snuggling & kissing most of all, but I also miss that day-to-day silliness one only finds in a long-term relationship, where the quirks & idiosyncrasies fly their flags unabated.
There is a saying in Spanish: "Mejor sola que mal acompañada." In English, this means; "It's better to be alone than in the wrong company." I have parroted this to friends who I thought needed to hear it, and now I have to heed my own words. Being alone is terrifying to me, and I have to learn to work through this, to be able to rely upon myself and trust who I am. Thus the title of this post.
If you are reading this, it's because I trust that as my friend you will give me the support, friendship, and love which I so need right now. Please pardon me for not being my usual self while I am under construction.
Honey, you know we are here for you. I believe you know this--I hope you know this. Love and hugs, Sweetie.
ReplyDeleteI know, my sweet. You are wonderfully supportive.
DeleteHang in there. You're lovely, smart and funny. You will land on your feet and have new adventures. Until then, you've got friends and, of course, my personal favorite, drinking. Put them together and voila, the remedy is at hand. Or at the very least, a sloppy, drooly purging of stuff that will help clean out the emotional cellar for a night AND provide the rest of us with really mortifying pictures of you to put up on Facebook the next day. I call that a win for everyone!
ReplyDeleteThank you, John. I am trying to keep in mind that this is a new adventure, and not the death of my so-called love life.
DeleteDrinking is good, particularly the vodka kind. Carousing is something I am known for, and as for mortifying pictures, um, there are a few in my fb, so there have been wins :D
I'm not sure I agree with John's methods, but hey, I'm more a wine snob myself :) I can't imagine the feeling and you already know the good advice about taking care of yourself so all I can add is that you have a long line of good caring people in your life that care about you and are in your corner.
ReplyDeleteI know you love your wine, Mark but John's methods have their benefits :D I know you have been worried about me before in this aspect, but I am OK in that sense.
DeleteI may very well give you a ring soon. It's been awful and enlightening.
Lord know I am THE LAST person to give relationship advise, but I think that you will be fine. If you want someone else in your life, you will find them. You have always been person that is at a loss for something to do and with people that you truly care about. That is never a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteTake care and will you please do some long tones for goodness sake! :P~~~~~