Always the mom

I ran into one of my child's friends tonight while out at Art Hop. She is an effusive person, a point proven when she gave me an enormous, enveloping hug as if she had not seen me in years. She always tugs at my heart, as I know she has no semblance of a good relationship with her father, mush less her mother. She knows she is always welcome in my home, and I hope now more than ever she takes me up on coming over. The man I saw her with is a musician who I know through my boyfriend, and they, meaning he and my boyfriend, are about the same age. If you read the description of my blog and you figure that my young man is a little bit older than me, you will see why I am writing. I find this "man's" troll-like behavior despicable and see him as a leering creep preying on vulnerable girls. No one can convince me that he can get anything out of this "relationship" other than things I do not want to imagine. As I write, the professional part of my brain is going places where I don't venture with people i know socially. I do not diagnose friends, I do not piece together in my mind the broken bits of the people I care about because those are theirs to share only if they wish. I purposefully keep at bay the curiosity that helps me as a social worker because I will become emotionally exhausted, and it's just not right. What this beautiful girl needs is a mom, someone to tell her she has no need to be a vessel for anyone, that she is strong, talented, kind, and most of all, valuable. I wanted to take her home in my car and simultaneously hug her while yelling at her for making such a poor choice. Maybe she really does not know any better and feels this is what she deserves. I have no place to tell her she is making a mistake; I am not her mother nor anyone to whom she needs to answer. I am just someone who cares what happens to her, and I hope her heart hears me.

CUBS!

Tired, but needed to post about the Cubs winning the World Series. Who would have thought?? Good for them. I normally write more, but this will do for now. Hope I write a better post tomorrow.

NaBloPoMo

App keeps crashing, so this is all I am writing tonight. Grr!

Adult(ish) relationships

I have pictures of my very good looking young man on my work computer which I sometimes use as desktop backgrounds. Some of them include me, some don't, and my girlfriends tease me by saying that I am like a moony adolescent who probably also doodles his name in the margins of my notes. While that may or may not be true, I am enjoying this phase of our relationship.

Eight months in, I like that I still get butterflies and feel amazed by how gorgeous he is. And that he likes me back! I love how he kisses me and puts his arm around me. We talk a lot and listen to music together, and I always learn something. But just because I swoon when I see him walk, that does not mean that I am oblivious to how much work we both have to do to keep this relationship good.

I was a wife for a long time, and the erosion of small courtesies, sweet nothings, and just-because bijoux is part of what killed the marriage. I am a firm believer in not taking my partner for granted, and I expect the same treatment.

A recent revelation for me has been that people show love in different ways. I am very physically affectionate, lavishing those I love with hugs, kisses, pats, hair ruffles, and playful swats on the butt. My man also gets kisses of all kinds, and we hold hands a lot. He is loving in that he responds to my affection in kind; on his own he buys me little gifts, opens the car door for me, and won't let me pay for my beer.

What's most important is that we let us be ourselves. We accept one another's flaws and do not try to mold the other into what we think s/he needs to be. I was so young when I met my ex-husband, and I thought I was supposed to change him. Don't ask why I thought that, but I sure as hell learned my lesson. My geek flag flies free with my new partner, and he makes no bones about loving country music and disliking vegetables.

I am learning how to make this work, as I want it to last for a long, long time. This adulting business is tough, but I have a good man beside me who wants the same. In the end, that's what counts, right?

It's official

I fought the fear of being left when I opened up my heart six months ago, and have now been blessed. I am enamored of a wonderful man who puts up with my idiosyncrasies and lets me be me, in all my weird geekiness, treating me so very well. He has a way of looking at me that makes me melt & have butterflies at the same time, and I am way past gone when he kisses and holds me.

I feel so very lucky, and in some ways undeserving, but I know the latter is not the case. I have endured heartbreak, nights where I cried myself to sleep, crippling self-doubt, and anger so strong I wondered how I had contained it. I finally believe now that I am worthy of being cared for and loved, and I know I hit the jackpot with him. 

Self-confidence

I think it's a spiral, not a line. We sometimes see ourselves as being more confident, and sometimes not. I happen to like who I am now, much more than some years ago. That brings a whole new bounce to my step and light in my eyes for which I am grateful.

Hello again!

Perhaps because I have not posted in almost three years, the fact that I lost a post just now on which I worked hard is justice for laziness.

My life, with happiness, pain, love, and surprises, has been wonderful. My fifteen-year-old daughter challenges and enriches me. My parents are aging with the curmudgeonly grace accorded to baby boomers--enough said about that! I adore my sister, who at times I want to punch and hug at the same time. The dog, who I inadvertently acquired in the divorce, needs to tell me where he has his stash of cocaine hidden so I can confiscate it. Maybe then he will calm down enough so I do not have to tell him to go play in traffic.

Since the divorce, I dated three men with whom I know now I needed to part ways. The truck driver and the contractor are good men at heart, but neither were "the one." The cyclist welder will need to answer to karma and the universe for having decimated and shredded my heart in a deceitful, narcissistic, and cavalier manner. No other words are necessary.

I never believed my mother when she told me I would find happiness with a man when I least expected it. Do you know mothers are right much, if not all, of the time? I have fallen into a happy connection with a man about whom I heard since 1987. We were in the same room in 1994 but did not meet until 2013. Mutual attraction grew over FB messages and long talks over coffee and beer, as well as our mutual passion for music and shared love for the San Francisco Giants. We support one another's musicianship and attend one another's concerts and gigs, and I fall for him all over again watching him play his bass. I have so many other things I want to say about him, but enough for now. I do not want to jinx my wonderful luck.

In March, I plan to run my fifth half marathon, and later in the year, my second full. marathon. Running brings me a peace I cannot find elsewhere, and I am grateful to be able to engage in this glorious self-torture.

I am a fortunate and blessed woman in so many ways. Thank you for reading this :)