Self-confidence

I think it's a spiral, not a line. We sometimes see ourselves as being more confident, and sometimes not. I happen to like who I am now, much more than some years ago. That brings a whole new bounce to my step and light in my eyes for which I am grateful.

Hello again!

Perhaps because I have not posted in almost three years, the fact that I lost a post just now on which I worked hard is justice for laziness.

My life, with happiness, pain, love, and surprises, has been wonderful. My fifteen-year-old daughter challenges and enriches me. My parents are aging with the curmudgeonly grace accorded to baby boomers--enough said about that! I adore my sister, who at times I want to punch and hug at the same time. The dog, who I inadvertently acquired in the divorce, needs to tell me where he has his stash of cocaine hidden so I can confiscate it. Maybe then he will calm down enough so I do not have to tell him to go play in traffic.

Since the divorce, I dated three men with whom I know now I needed to part ways. The truck driver and the contractor are good men at heart, but neither were "the one." The cyclist welder will need to answer to karma and the universe for having decimated and shredded my heart in a deceitful, narcissistic, and cavalier manner. No other words are necessary.

I never believed my mother when she told me I would find happiness with a man when I least expected it. Do you know mothers are right much, if not all, of the time? I have fallen into a happy connection with a man about whom I heard since 1987. We were in the same room in 1994 but did not meet until 2013. Mutual attraction grew over FB messages and long talks over coffee and beer, as well as our mutual passion for music and shared love for the San Francisco Giants. We support one another's musicianship and attend one another's concerts and gigs, and I fall for him all over again watching him play his bass. I have so many other things I want to say about him, but enough for now. I do not want to jinx my wonderful luck.

In March, I plan to run my fifth half marathon, and later in the year, my second full. marathon. Running brings me a peace I cannot find elsewhere, and I am grateful to be able to engage in this glorious self-torture.

I am a fortunate and blessed woman in so many ways. Thank you for reading this :)

The real work begins

To talk about divorce abstractly, hypothetically, does not even begin to approach the way it has wormed its way into every pore within me. The finality made itself known to me when I checked the little box that said "Dissolution of Marriage," three words the state of California utilizes to wipe out nearly 18 years of my life. Eighteen years of inside jokes, strong hugs of love & support, hot monkey sex, the birth and raising of our daughter, expressions of pride around one another's accomplishments, petty spats, bad kitchen experiments, trips to San Francisco, cold feet & butts upon getting under the covers, and so many of the quotidian things which make up a marriage--all left behind in the black and white of state paperwork. The sympathetic women behind the counter at the courthouse cannot know how much of my life feels like it is dissolving.

Those of you who know me well understand I am an innately social person. Despite episodically staying in my cave, I thrive when I interact with others. Being alone, in a very concrete way, is truly a new, miserable experience (hope you got the Gin Blossoms reference). I miss snuggling & kissing most of all, but I also miss that day-to-day silliness one only finds in a long-term relationship, where the quirks & idiosyncrasies fly their flags unabated.

There is a saying in Spanish: "Mejor sola que mal acompañada." In English, this means; "It's better to be alone than in the wrong company." I have parroted this to friends who I thought needed to hear it, and now I have to heed my own words. Being alone is terrifying to me, and I have to learn to work through this, to be able to rely upon myself and trust who I am. Thus the title of this post.

If you are reading this, it's because I trust that as my friend you will give me the support, friendship, and love which I so need right now. Please pardon me for not being my usual self while I am under construction.

Take two...

When last I tried to post, I had composed my thoughts around my impending divorce. I had said a lot of great things which elude me now, but here goes take two...

I finally told my daughter the marriage is over; her reaction was predictable. She cried, and I felt like the world's worst parent. In the end she would be more harmed by unhappy parents staying together for her benefit, but this fact is not overshadowed by the loss of her ideas of family.

I am forever grateful for the fact that she and I have always been close, and that she has a tremendous fortitude not easily visible to those who do not know her well. My most closely-held wish is that she learn to hold her own and not feel intimidated by the opinions of others. I want her to not settle for something or someone just because she does not want to disappoint nor because she thinks it's what others want.

If someone had guided me in this manner, in a real way, I do not think I would be where I am now. I would have left when I heard my inner voice telling me this would not work, I would have been brave and forge my path with a different man. What-ifs and should-haves are of no benefit to me now, but I am following my heart and where the universe is taking me. I am more pit-of-my-stomach terrified than ever in my life, but for once I will do what I feel in a big way.

ARGH!!!

Had a great post going which I accidentally erased!!! The muse has exited. Will try again another time. Dammit!

Chaos

Chaos has occurred in my personal life as of late, which the reason why I have not posted in some time.It's been about a year, actually, and I struggle with the consequences of decisions I need to make, and the reasons I go with one alternative over the others.

The good part is that I have people who love and support me and whack me over the head when I need it. My running and music, as always, also keep me afloat.

Must to bed now, but I did not want anyone to think I was dead.

Music

Something I should have said earlier is that I LOVE music, playing and listening. During school, from 5th grade to my first year at university, I played the clarinet (and attempted tenor sax and flute). The friendships and travel during those years are invaluable, stories to which we often refer with my friends. There is no way to replicate the experience of six busloads of (mostly) talented, albeit hormonal, teenagers who were driven to work hard to become national marching band champions. Or the midnight mud fight and dance that followed at music camp in 1983. Or the six years of county honor band where I learned much of the wind ensemble repertoire. Some of my favorite memories are of being on stage or the field, playing with others and getting goosebumps from the amazement that comes from doing something that moves people.

Anytime people walk into my office, they will hear music--guaranteed. What they will hear, though, greatly varies: Tool, Christina Aguilera, Miguel Bose, Joe Jackson, Gaslight Anthem, Snow Patrol, Deadmau5, Suzanne Vega, Pat Benetar, Elvis Crespo, The Police, Sleigh Bells, The Fugees, School of Seven Bells, Patsy Cline, Ozomatli, The Bird and the Bee, Juanes...endless variety. My only no-nos are modern country and most rap. I have been known to enjoy a tune or two from Eminem or Lady Antebellum, but they are the rare exception. New Age will not invade my space, nor will overly-produced crap with treacly, inane lyrics. Yes, I am a judgmental chowderhead when it comes to music--that will NOT change. I always get the free iTunes cards at Starbucks, as it's a great way to explore tunes I normally would not hear.

I am also a huge Beethoven fan, whether it's his symphonies, string quartets, violin sonatas or piano concerti. When I leave this plane, I want the second movement from the 7th symphony played at my memorial. If I could be paid to listen to and write about Beethoven, I would have one of my career wishes fulfilled.

I do not know where I would be without music.