I feel so very lucky, and in some ways undeserving, but I know the latter is not the case. I have endured heartbreak, nights where I cried myself to sleep, crippling self-doubt, and anger so strong I wondered how I had contained it. I finally believe now that I am worthy of being cared for and loved, and I know I hit the jackpot with him.
29 May 2015
It's official
I fought the fear of being left when I opened up my heart six months ago, and have now been blessed. I am enamored of a wonderful man who puts up with my idiosyncrasies and lets me be me, in all my weird geekiness, treating me so very well. He has a way of looking at me that makes me melt & have butterflies at the same time, and I am way past gone when he kisses and holds me.
20 February 2015
Self-confidence
I think it's a spiral, not a line. We sometimes see ourselves as being more confident, and sometimes not. I happen to like who I am now, much more than some years ago. That brings a whole new bounce to my step and light in my eyes for which I am grateful.
14 February 2015
Hello again!
Perhaps because I have not posted in almost three years, the fact that I lost a post just now on which I worked hard is justice for laziness.
My life, with happiness, pain, love, and surprises, has been wonderful. My fifteen-year-old daughter challenges and enriches me. My parents are aging with the curmudgeonly grace accorded to baby boomers--enough said about that! I adore my sister, who at times I want to punch and hug at the same time. The dog, who I inadvertently acquired in the divorce, needs to tell me where he has his stash of cocaine hidden so I can confiscate it. Maybe then he will calm down enough so I do not have to tell him to go play in traffic.
Since the divorce, I dated three men with whom I know now I needed to part ways. The truck driver and the contractor are good men at heart, but neither were "the one." The cyclist welder will need to answer to karma and the universe for having decimated and shredded my heart in a deceitful, narcissistic, and cavalier manner. No other words are necessary.
I never believed my mother when she told me I would find happiness with a man when I least expected it. Do you know mothers are right much, if not all, of the time? I have fallen into a happy connection with a man about whom I heard since 1987. We were in the same room in 1994 but did not meet until 2013. Mutual attraction grew over FB messages and long talks over coffee and beer, as well as our mutual passion for music and shared love for the San Francisco Giants. We support one another's musicianship and attend one another's concerts and gigs, and I fall for him all over again watching him play his bass. I have so many other things I want to say about him, but enough for now. I do not want to jinx my wonderful luck.
In March, I plan to run my fifth half marathon, and later in the year, my second full. marathon. Running brings me a peace I cannot find elsewhere, and I am grateful to be able to engage in this glorious self-torture.
I am a fortunate and blessed woman in so many ways. Thank you for reading this :)
My life, with happiness, pain, love, and surprises, has been wonderful. My fifteen-year-old daughter challenges and enriches me. My parents are aging with the curmudgeonly grace accorded to baby boomers--enough said about that! I adore my sister, who at times I want to punch and hug at the same time. The dog, who I inadvertently acquired in the divorce, needs to tell me where he has his stash of cocaine hidden so I can confiscate it. Maybe then he will calm down enough so I do not have to tell him to go play in traffic.
Since the divorce, I dated three men with whom I know now I needed to part ways. The truck driver and the contractor are good men at heart, but neither were "the one." The cyclist welder will need to answer to karma and the universe for having decimated and shredded my heart in a deceitful, narcissistic, and cavalier manner. No other words are necessary.
I never believed my mother when she told me I would find happiness with a man when I least expected it. Do you know mothers are right much, if not all, of the time? I have fallen into a happy connection with a man about whom I heard since 1987. We were in the same room in 1994 but did not meet until 2013. Mutual attraction grew over FB messages and long talks over coffee and beer, as well as our mutual passion for music and shared love for the San Francisco Giants. We support one another's musicianship and attend one another's concerts and gigs, and I fall for him all over again watching him play his bass. I have so many other things I want to say about him, but enough for now. I do not want to jinx my wonderful luck.
In March, I plan to run my fifth half marathon, and later in the year, my second full. marathon. Running brings me a peace I cannot find elsewhere, and I am grateful to be able to engage in this glorious self-torture.
I am a fortunate and blessed woman in so many ways. Thank you for reading this :)
01 May 2012
The real work begins
To talk about divorce abstractly, hypothetically, does not even begin to approach the way it has wormed its way into every pore within me. The finality made itself known to me when I checked the little box that said "Dissolution of Marriage," three words the state of California utilizes to wipe out nearly 18 years of my life. Eighteen years of inside jokes, strong hugs of love & support, hot monkey sex, the birth and raising of our daughter, expressions of pride around one another's accomplishments, petty spats, bad kitchen experiments, trips to San Francisco, cold feet & butts upon getting under the covers, and so many of the quotidian things which make up a marriage--all left behind in the black and white of state paperwork. The sympathetic women behind the counter at the courthouse cannot know how much of my life feels like it is dissolving.
Those of you who know me well understand I am an innately social person. Despite episodically staying in my cave, I thrive when I interact with others. Being alone, in a very concrete way, is truly a new, miserable experience (hope you got the Gin Blossoms reference). I miss snuggling & kissing most of all, but I also miss that day-to-day silliness one only finds in a long-term relationship, where the quirks & idiosyncrasies fly their flags unabated.
There is a saying in Spanish: "Mejor sola que mal acompañada." In English, this means; "It's better to be alone than in the wrong company." I have parroted this to friends who I thought needed to hear it, and now I have to heed my own words. Being alone is terrifying to me, and I have to learn to work through this, to be able to rely upon myself and trust who I am. Thus the title of this post.
If you are reading this, it's because I trust that as my friend you will give me the support, friendship, and love which I so need right now. Please pardon me for not being my usual self while I am under construction.
Those of you who know me well understand I am an innately social person. Despite episodically staying in my cave, I thrive when I interact with others. Being alone, in a very concrete way, is truly a new, miserable experience (hope you got the Gin Blossoms reference). I miss snuggling & kissing most of all, but I also miss that day-to-day silliness one only finds in a long-term relationship, where the quirks & idiosyncrasies fly their flags unabated.
There is a saying in Spanish: "Mejor sola que mal acompañada." In English, this means; "It's better to be alone than in the wrong company." I have parroted this to friends who I thought needed to hear it, and now I have to heed my own words. Being alone is terrifying to me, and I have to learn to work through this, to be able to rely upon myself and trust who I am. Thus the title of this post.
If you are reading this, it's because I trust that as my friend you will give me the support, friendship, and love which I so need right now. Please pardon me for not being my usual self while I am under construction.
02 April 2012
Take two...
When last I tried to post, I had composed my thoughts around my impending divorce. I had said a lot of great things which elude me now, but here goes take two...
I finally told my daughter the marriage is over; her reaction was predictable. She cried, and I felt like the world's worst parent. In the end she would be more harmed by unhappy parents staying together for her benefit, but this fact is not overshadowed by the loss of her ideas of family.
I am forever grateful for the fact that she and I have always been close, and that she has a tremendous fortitude not easily visible to those who do not know her well. My most closely-held wish is that she learn to hold her own and not feel intimidated by the opinions of others. I want her to not settle for something or someone just because she does not want to disappoint nor because she thinks it's what others want.
If someone had guided me in this manner, in a real way, I do not think I would be where I am now. I would have left when I heard my inner voice telling me this would not work, I would have been brave and forge my path with a different man. What-ifs and should-haves are of no benefit to me now, but I am following my heart and where the universe is taking me. I am more pit-of-my-stomach terrified than ever in my life, but for once I will do what I feel in a big way.
I finally told my daughter the marriage is over; her reaction was predictable. She cried, and I felt like the world's worst parent. In the end she would be more harmed by unhappy parents staying together for her benefit, but this fact is not overshadowed by the loss of her ideas of family.
I am forever grateful for the fact that she and I have always been close, and that she has a tremendous fortitude not easily visible to those who do not know her well. My most closely-held wish is that she learn to hold her own and not feel intimidated by the opinions of others. I want her to not settle for something or someone just because she does not want to disappoint nor because she thinks it's what others want.
If someone had guided me in this manner, in a real way, I do not think I would be where I am now. I would have left when I heard my inner voice telling me this would not work, I would have been brave and forge my path with a different man. What-ifs and should-haves are of no benefit to me now, but I am following my heart and where the universe is taking me. I am more pit-of-my-stomach terrified than ever in my life, but for once I will do what I feel in a big way.
05 March 2012
ARGH!!!
Had a great post going which I accidentally erased!!! The muse has exited. Will try again another time. Dammit!
23 October 2011
Chaos
Chaos has occurred in my personal life as of late, which the reason why I have not posted in some time.It's been about a year, actually, and I struggle with the consequences of decisions I need to make, and the reasons I go with one alternative over the others.
The good part is that I have people who love and support me and whack me over the head when I need it. My running and music, as always, also keep me afloat.
Must to bed now, but I did not want anyone to think I was dead.
The good part is that I have people who love and support me and whack me over the head when I need it. My running and music, as always, also keep me afloat.
Must to bed now, but I did not want anyone to think I was dead.
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